mischief's cracktastic shorts
by mischief maker 2.0
Summary: A series of drabbles that the brain demands I dump somewhere. XD All genres including het, yaoi, and yuri. Each drabble has it's own warnings. Crack pairings extremely likely. Unless stated otherwise, characters are at least 20.
1. Lazy Ass Love

Genre: total crack XD  
Word count: 475  
Pairings: Shika and half of Konoha:P No one specific actually.

Lazy Ass Love

Nara Shikamaru has never hit on a girl in his life. Too troublesome. Naturally. It hasn't managed to hurt his love life any, though, which seems odd to him. But he doesn't really feel like questioning it. The girls come to him, and he's not really sure why. He supposes he's decent looking enough; although, he admits that even a genius can have a hard time understanding what goes on in the female mind. Either way, it doesn't matter, because apparently he's somewhat desirable, and that's not really all that troublesome for him, he's decided.

They come to him, and he gets all the benefits of dating without the actual dating and all the troublesome crap it entails. Hell, he even lets them do all the work in bed most of the time. It serves two purposes really. 1. His only exertion is the occasional grope. 2. The girls set their pace and take their pleasure, and he's not at risk of doing something wrong. Did he mention that he doesn't have to do much? See? Everyone wins!

Hey, don't make that face. They know what they like, and it's good for him either way. So the way he sees it, there's nothing wrong with just lying there and letting them have their way with him.

Now that's not to say he's a total bum in the sack. He takes charge when needed. Sometimes he'll even go out of his way by going down on his partner. It's a little troublesome but worth the payoff in the end, his inner strategist reassures. Because it would be a whole lot more troublesome if they weren't pleased and never came back, or worse, inform the other kunoichi in the village of his sub par performance. Yeah, that'd be hella troublesome. So he accepts his fate that if she's pleased, he'll be pleased, and the world keeps turning.

The most troublesome thing of all, though, is the games some chicks like to play. Now being a genius and all, he can usually sift through the bullshit pretty well, but goddamn the effort! He does _not_ bother trying to please the game players. They don't need to come back. A couple of them were such a pain, he even considered dropping females altogether. He knows how guys think anyway, but apparently he's not the only one who doesn't like to bottom, and finding someone who does is **_really_** troublesome.

So yeah, back to women is it, because even though they can be troublesome, not _all_ of them are, and if he can just lie there, then that's even better. If he weren't such a lazy ass, he might wonder why it is that all these people want to have sex with him in the first place, but he doesn't waste much time on it, because obviously, it's too troublesome.


	2. Choices :NaruHina,NaruSaku:

Genre: angst

Word count: 524

Pairings: NaruHina, implied NaruSaku

Choices

"What is it, Naruto?" He turned toward her, the confusion apparent on his face as he tried to figure out what she meant. "What is it about her that allows you to just forget about me?"

_Shit. _Her voice was quiet as usual, but the words were laced with anger and hurt. Clutched in her fist was a forehead protector, the same one that was no where to be found during the mad dash to get clothed and get a certain someone out of the apartment when Hinata came home from her mission earlier today instead of tomorrow as planned. For a fleeting moment, he actually wondered where she managed to find the thing.

"What is it!" she demanded once again, this time a bit more forcefully, and Naruto sighed, wishing he knew the answer to that question himself.

"Hinata," he began but didn't really know what to say. What _could_ he say that would lessen the blow? There was nothing, he realized as he raked his hand through his hair in aggravation. His lack of response upset her even more, and she dropped the evidence of his betrayal and went back into the bedroom. He wasn't surprised to find her packing when he followed her, but it pained him just as well. So many times he had wished for it to be her, for her to be the one who completed him, _her_ to be the one to make him smile like that. Why couldn't it have been her? She _loved_ him!

Hinata picked up her bag from the bed and looked at him once again. The anguish on her face made his insides twist. He never wanted to hurt her, but that's exactly what he was doing, wasn't it? Throwing away what he had for a chance at the impossible, a fantasy.

He knew things with Sakura would most likely not end up how he wished. For as long as he'd known her, she'd been in love with Sasuke, just as he loved her and Hinata loved him. Life was fucked up like that. His teammate might've only wanted a physical relationship with him, but he couldn't just pass up the opportunity that just maybe it might develope into something more. Because the fact remained that even though he couldn't say _why_ he loved her in ways that he couldn't love Hinata, he did, and if given a choice, he'd always choose Sakura even if it only ended in pain.

Hinata paused as her hand encircled the doorknob and turned back to Naruto one last time.

"I hope you find what you're looking for." The words were strained but sincere, not that he would have expected anything less from her. 'Why couldn't it have been her?' his mind asked once again. Their eyes met, and he somehow managed a sad little smile before she walked out, closing the door of the apartment and the life they shared behind her. The tears escaped her eyes as soon as her feet began descending the steps.

Naruto sighed and allowed himself to fall backwards into the couch. He had never meant to hurt her.


	3. Denial :team 7:

Genre: possible crack? Hell, I dunno. I'm tired. X.x  
Word count: 543  
Pairings: hinting at future/possible NaruSakuSasu

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Denial

Kakashi is trying very hard not to notice the way his hormone-driven, teenage students have been looking at each other lately. Because to acknowledge what is going on, would require him to do something about it, and the last thing he wants to be doing is lecturing those three on the consequences of sex. _That_ was not part of the shinobi job description.

He's a thirty year old bachelor. He's not a parent. His own father died before he had reached such a difficult age. Who is he to tell them how to live their lives? Okay, yes, he is their sensei, but come on! If he'd known that one day he'd be sitting here not contemplating whether he should intervene in the sexual lives of his students, he thinks maybe he would've failed them and sent them back to the academy to become someone else's burden.

This isn't his responsibility. He's not their parents. Okay, that one's not even fair, he knows, admitting that at the very least he's become a sort of brother-like figure to them, possibly more, despite the fact that he's tried his damnedest to prevent it from happening.

But that's not even the point. The problem is that the male members of team 7 should _not_ be eyeing their female teammate like starving men in front of an all you can eat buffet no matter how inevitable it may be. He realizes they're teenagers, and Sakura's certainly not unattractive, but still!

Yeah, this is the part where he should be lecturing them on camaraderie, team values, etc., but yeah, the denial thing works better for him.

Besides, it's not as if Sakura is still that naïve, fragile, fresh-out-of-the-academy, child she was four years ago. She's a very capable kunoichi. Not to mention the fact that after training with Tsunade-sama, she can just as easily kill someone with her bare hands as look at them.

No, she can take very good care of herself. Of course, this is saying that she would even _want_ to dissuade any attention she might receive from her teammates. The boys aren't the only ones who've been looking after all.

Okay, so he wasn't surprised to catch her checking out Sasuke given their history and the fact that apparently every teenage girl in the village was after him, but Naruto, too?

Yep, denial's kicking in nicely right about now. Nope, his sixteen year old students are certainly _not_ perving on each other. No, he is not going to need to lecture them on what could very conceivably happen in the future with Naruto's lack of impulse control and all.

Hell, they're old enough to learn that lesson on their own. They are ninja; they've already killed. They're entitled to spend their spare time however they damn well please, so long as they show up for training and missions and are able to get the job done and everyone can pretend nothing's going on.

He studiously examines the latest book in the Icha Icha series in front of his face as he attempts to block out the noise from Sakura smacking Naruto upside the head and berating him for making yet another lewd comment.

Kakashi turns the page slowly.

Yes, denial is a beautiful thing.


	4. Better Left Unsaid :team 7:

Genre: Drama

Word Count: 424

Pairing: NaruSakuSasu

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Damn.

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**Better Left Unsaid**

Some things you're just better off not knowing. Naruto knew this, and as much as it pained him to do so, he accepted it. Because to know would bring up way too many questions of how and why, and really, he didn't know if he could accept whatever answers he received.

He thought he had died and gone to heaven (or was perhaps dreaming) the night team seven's relationship extended from that of just teammates and companions to that of bed fellows, but he and Sasuke were in for a huge, unanticipated surprise that evening.

Sakura was not a virgin.

Not only that, but she appeared to be _very_ comfortable with herself and what was going on.

Hmm, well, it made sense, they supposed. Girls were rather particular about their first time, and it was rather unlikely that someone would hop into bed with not one but two people for the event.

Still, it raised some rather interesting questions. The kind they were dying to know and yet… not. At least not after it had been established that it had been neither of them, anyway. Naruto had absolutely no problem accusing Sasuke of the deed, but that was to be expected. However, he fell silent when Sasuke just raised an eyebrow and faintly shook his head.

The curiosity was still there, though. Oh yes! But really, if she wasn't offering the information, maybe it was for the best they didn't know. The result would surely involve the two of them attacking whoever it was for defiling their teammate after all. That person would quite possibly die, and then ANBU would be all over them, and really, what would it change? They would still be the lesser experienced of the three, and after thinking about it, there were worse things that could've happened.

After all, had she not done what she did, they wouldn't be currently clinging to each other in a tangled mess, attempting to sleep on a bed a bit too small for them. They certainly wouldn't be reaping the benefits of Sakura's skills. 'And what skills they were!' Naruto thought with a _very_ satisfied grin. Perhaps he should be silently thanking that person instead of plotting very creative ways of torturing him.

But as he glanced at her slumbering form, her pink lips parted slightly and hair falling in her face, he couldn't ignore the twinge of jealousy that someone other than them had been privy to the wonder that is their Sakura-chan. He sighed.

Yes, some things really are better left unknown.


	5. The Trouble With Sharing a Room

**Title: **The Trouble With Sharing a Room  
**Genre: **silliness  
**Word count: **270  
**A/N:** This is a scrap from chapter 4 of Sweetest Victory, but I still kind of like it, so I'm posting it here. Naruto ponders the merits of sharing a room with everyone and a much needed 'solo mission.' XD  
**Disclaimer**: Still don't own it.

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There were certain advantages to sharing a room with your teammates. For one, they were together. For all her complaining about what gross, annoying boys her teammates were (well, Naruto and Kakashi anyway,) it was obvious that Sakura preferred it when they were all together. Naruto couldn't say exactly why, but he didn't care. He _liked_ having her there with them. (And not because the extra closeness made it easier for him to fantasize about things, because really, it wasn't hard for his brain to make those sort of leaps anyway. He was a 16 year old male after all.) He just liked having her close and knowing she was safe, knowing nothing would happen to her without him knowing and being able to do something about it.

There were also disadvantages, though. Like waking up with the biggest case of morning wood he'd had in months and trying to figure out a way to get into the bathroom for a quick solo mission without her noticing. Because willing it away was just _not_ working no matter what he tried. Naruto cracked an eye open and really wished he hadn't when his vision was filled with the image of Sakura bending over to pick up her bag, all toned legs that only looked _better_ since she'd taken to wearing those shin guards.

Damn that new outfit of hers!

Okay, new strategy: continue pretending to sleep until she leaves _then_ sneak off to the bathroom for a nice, long, fantasy-filled wank. No one'll know. If they ask what took so long, I'll just tell them I was taking a dump, he decided, trying not to grin.


	6. My Nuts :team 7:

**Title: **My Nuts**  
A/N**: I have no excuse for this.  
**Warnings**: total crack! PG-13-ish  
**Disclaimer**: If I were Kishimoto, everyone would be bustin' out the pitchforks right about now. XD

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Sasuke threw open the pantry, his eyes swiftly passing over its contents in search of one item and one item only, his favorite late-night snack, his mixed nuts. His eyes found the canister not where he'd last left it, but that was little surprise really. Living with roommates had taught him that things _would_ be moved, and he was learning to deal with it.

Removing the lid, he was a little annoyed when he didn't see any of his favorite nuts at first glance, but that's okay, he told himself. Sometimes you have to dig to find them. His index finger began sifting through the roasted, salty treats, pushing some to the side and pulling ones up from the bottom.

The peanuts were a little on the thin side, he noted in surprise. Those are usually the last ones to go. There were tons of cashews and even the odd hazel nut but still none of his favorite were anywhere to be seen.

"Where the hell did they go?" he growled in frustration before stomping off into the living room. "Sakura, did you eat my nuts?"

She looked up at him from the couch, her nose wrinkled in distaste. "You know I don't like them. They taste funny."

"They don't taste _funny_," Sasuke defended with an indignant look on his face. "They're just an acquired taste. Whatever. So you didn't eat them?" he added just to clarify.

Sakura rolled her eyes and answered in a very patronizing tone, "No, Sasuke-kun. I didn't touch your nuts."

He nodded and went down the hallway in search of Naruto. _Someone_ damn well got into his nuts, and he was going to figure out who. Sasuke heard the shower running and grinned to himself as he threw the door open. "Dead Last, did you eat my nuts?"

"What?" Naruto yelled, turning off the water so he could hear better.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and shook the canister. "Did. You. Eat. My. Nuts?"

Naruto chuckled and pulled the shower curtain open enough to peek around it. "You're going to have to be more specific."

Sasuke would've laughed at the sight of his teammate's hair in a shampoo Mohawk, but he was too annoyed at that moment.

"You _know_ which ones are mine! That's the only reason I agreed to share."

"Yeah, but yours looked so good," the blond finally admitted. "I just couldn't help myself. I had to try 'em. They're not bad, ya know. Have a sort of earthy taste."

"Of course, I know! Why do you think I buy them?" he snorted. "But since you ate all of them, you're going to go buy more."

"But the thing's still half full!" the water-logged shinobi protested.

"You ate all the ones I like!"

"So eat _my_ nuts." Naruto grinned as if the answer were obvious, and Sasuke couldn't help but make a face.

"No. They're _small_. And way too salty."

"Just because you like those weird-looking, giant ones doesn't mean mine are small. They're a good size. Can put more in your mouth that way."

Sasuke stared at his roommate as he thought about that. Okay, so he had a point, BUT that still didn't change the fact that Naruto ate his nuts! "You still owe me some nuts," he groused as he turned to leave the bathroom.

"But I offered to share!" the blond complained.

"I bought them, moron."

"Fine," Naruto grumbled as he pulled the shower curtain closed and turned the water back on.

Sasuke almost didn't hear Naruto's mumbled comment of "_I_ got some nuts you can eat," but he did. His eyebrow twitched, but in a remarkable show of self-control, he ignored the comment and closed the bathroom door as he left.

When he walked back into the living room, Sakura was still sitting on the couch, but she had the strangest I-am-trying-really-really-hard-not-to-look-amused expression on her face. It made his eyebrow automatically creep up.

"What?" he asked.

She cleared her throat and frowned in a poor attempt at looking serious. "Nothing."

Sasuke didn't miss how she was pointedly _not_ looking at him. He rolled his eyes, thinking he had to have the weirdest teammates in all of Fire Country. Sasuke walked past the flushed girl - who was about to chew _through_ her bottom lip - and into the kitchen where he began throwing all the instant noodle meals into a plastic trash bag where they were going to remain hidden until he got his new can of nuts.

No one messed with Uchiha Sasuke's nuts, and Dead Last was about to realize it!


	7. Summer Heat :SasuNaru:

**A/N:** For the awesome Cindelius.  
**Pairings:** one-sided SasuNaru and a hint of not really KakaNaru O.o  
**Warnings:** none really, just Naruto lovin' his ice a little too much XD PG-13

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"Man, it's _way_ too damn hot out here," Naruto groaned, checking the placement of the midday sun to estimate the time. "It wouldn't be so bad if there was a breeze or something." 

The jacket and mesh shirt had long since been discarded on the ground next to him and the hideous orange pants had been rolled up to his knees. Sasuke inwardly snorted and wondered why he bothered to leave them on. They had to be sticking to him awkwardly, more so than his own clothes even. 'And it's not like it would've been the first time the loudmouth stripped down to barely nothing for the sake of comfort,' he thought disdainfully.

Shoving his thoughts aside, Sasuke huffed in annoyance, "It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't complain every two minutes." Since it appeared they were taking a break from their sparring session, he figured he might as well take advantage of it and allowed himself to drop heavily to the ground as well.

Kakashi sat, seemingly unaffected by the stifling heat despite the ridiculous amount of clothing he wore, under the protective shade of a nearby tree, face stuffed in his favorite raunchy novel. For all they knew, he could've been asleep. Except, of course, for the couple of times he chuckled at Naruto's whining.

"You'd think I was torturing you," the jounin drawled as his feet lifted from the cooler they'd been resting on and shoved it toward them.

Naruto quickly opened it and tossed Sasuke a bottle of water before drinking his own in almost one big gulp. The blond was still panting slightly when he finally grumbled a reply. "Well, you might as well have been. Holding our drinks hostage like that."

Sasuke took a couple of sips and then sat for a moment with the ice-cold bottle against his face and then the back of his neck to help cool him down. Just because he was a master of fire jutsu didn't mean he wasn't susceptible to heat exhaustion just like everyone else.

"It's so _hot. _I feel like I'm being cooked!" Naruto complained once again, and Sasuke was no longer able or willing to let it go.

"Shut up, already. You're not the only one." Reaching into the cooler, he grabbed a handful of ice and chunked them at his noisy teammate.

"Hey!" the blond started to protest as he was pelted by several cubes of ice but stopped mid-sentence as a grin began to spread across his face. "Oh, that's cold!"

Naruto reached down, picked up a piece of ice, and slowly ran it over his bare forehead. It melted quickly, dripping water everywhere it went. Sasuke watched as the droplets began to merge with his sweat, forming larger drops that began to roll in small streams down his overheated skin. Around and around the ice went until it was nothing more than a sliver he could barely grasp between his fingers. Naruto then popped it in his mouth, and with a crunch, the ice was gone.

No sooner than he'd swallowed it, he was reaching back into the ice chest for another piece. This one roamed over his cheeks, down his chin, and over his throat as his head tilted back slightly. Water was dripping down Naruto's chest and stomach, and there was a small pool beginning to form in his navel.

When Sasuke caught himself wondering if the puddle was still cold or if it had already warmed from his teammate's body heat, he quickly averted his gaze. He'd heard people say the heat can make you crazy and was beginning to think it was true. It certainly seemed possible. He already blamed the heat for the redness in his cheeks; it would be so much easier to blame it for his thoughts as well. Taking another long pull from his water bottle, he finished it off as his eyes scanned distractedly over the training grounds.

Glancing back at Naruto, Sasuke found him still bathing himself in ice, and really, how _long_ was he going to do that? Biting down the scathing remark on the tip of his tongue, he cast a quick look at Kakashi and had to do a double take.

The jounin was sitting there with his uncovered eye peeking up over the cover of his book, watching the ice intently as it traveled over Naruto's abs, making the blond sigh in contentment.

'What the fuck was that?' Sasuke blinked, completely dumbstruck. 'Surely he wasn't…' When he opened his eyes again, he found Kakashi's gaze no longer on Naruto but instead, turned right toward him. He stared unflinchingly right back at his team leader for a few seconds until allowing his eyebrow to finally creep upward a fraction in silent question. Curving into a smile, Kakashi's eye simply went back to reading his book, leaving Sasuke more confused than ever.

"Oh, man, this is great! You gotta try it, Sasuke." Naruto's voice managed to startle him out of his shock, and he was begrudgingly grateful for the distraction from his disturbing ponderings.

Scowling, he called Naruto a moron.

At which, Naruto threw some ice, Sasuke threw it back, and then they were fighting. Naruto desperately tried – and almost succeeded – in getting a handful of ice down Sasuke's pants, while Sasuke tried to shove his rival face-first into the dirt. Kakashi just continued to sit there reading his porn, occasionally glancing up to point out holes in their defenses thereby ensuring neither got the upper hand.

And, for the moment at least, everything was back to normal.


	8. Chapter 8 :InoHina:

**A/N**: for jammastergoat who requested InoHina and "new tricks"  
**Warnings**: yuri, though it's clean  
**Disclaimer**: Don't own it.

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"Naruto's never going to notice you if you keep hiding all the time, you know."

Hinata only frowns and blushes in response. She never can decide what to say when someone mentions her bizarre infatuation with the village loudmouth. Vaguely wondering what Ino's motives are, she timidly glances up at the blonde whose eyes are zeroing in on the lone teenager training shirtless on the other side of the grounds.

"Heh, for once I can kind of see the attraction," she grins semi-appreciatively as she turns her eyes on Hinata and grabs her wrist. "Come on."

The Hyuuga heir finds her softly spoken objections ignored as she's quickly dragged closer. Then her back is suddenly against a tree, and Ino's lips are pressing against hers. Too shocked to formally protest, she squeaks, her eyes wide, as the smell of freshly cut flowers invade her senses.

Ino pulls away slightly a few moments later and whispers against her cheek, "This won't work if you keep standing there like a block of ice," but the Hyuuga's mind is still stuck in the 'uh' position.

It's not until she licks her lips and tastes the other girl's lip gloss that Hinata breaks free of her stupor. And when Ino's lips find hers again, this time she reacts, kissing back with fervor. Her tongue brushes against Ino's as the blonde switches them around in one fluid movement so that she's the one against the tree and the shy Hyuuga appears to be the aggressor.

At the edge of her consciousness, Hinata is vaguely aware that Naruto has stopped his shuriken practice and is openly gawking at them as are a couple of jounin who had been passing by on the other side of the training grounds, but she could surprisingly care less at that moment. She's much more interested in the way Ino sucks on her bottom lip as the kiss ends, the feel of her fingers combing through her hair, and breasts pressed against her own.

And when the taller girl leans forward and whispers victoriously in her ear, "He noticed," the words barely register in Hinata's brain. She's busy wondering what other tricks Ino could teach her.


	9. My Turn :team 7:

**Title: **My Turn  
**A/N:** Asuka challenged me to write a 'Kyuubi and Inner Sakura fight for Sasuke topping rights' fic. It falls short of my expectations, but I share anyway cuz I'm a h0r like that. XD  
**Warnings:** poly, bi threesomeness (do I really need to include these types of warnings on my stuff anymore?), Sasuke is not an uber-seme here OMG, ninja with multiple personalities :P  
**Disclaimer:** (insert witty explanation that I don't own it here)

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Sasuke sits quietly in a mixture of indignation and bizarre fascination as he watches his two quarrelling teammates-turned-lovers and wonders two very important things: how the hell did he end up in this situation in the first place, and is it worth it?

"I am!"

"No, _I_ am!"

How he'd gotten there was not an easy question to answer. Happenings within team seven had never been simple or easy, and this is such an _absurd_ turn of events that even he, the genius that he is, can't really make sense of it.

"But it's _my_ turn!"

Sasuke snorts and rolls his eyes. It's not as if they'd drawn up a chart or anything. Best not to mention that to them, he decides.

"Power decides it all, girl. I don't take turns."

And now she's pulling on her gloves. Great. Add one more repair bill to the never ending pile.

"You do remember the last time I beat you to a bloody pulp, don't you?"

"Just because I was bored and let you get a few shots in on the boy, doesn't mean shit."

Rumbling laughter. A vein pops out on her forehead. Sasuke sighs and goes back to wondering how the hell they ever got the idea in their heads in the first place. Just because it's usually one of them to initiate it, and he is almost always easily convinced… Well, okay, he concedes. Maybe it _is_ understandable they think he's… like _that_. Clearly he needs to fix that misinterpretation. And soon.

Eyes narrow and postures shift before him, and Sasuke thinks he might find it amusing if the circumstances were different.

"You need to butt out! You're not even supposed to be a part of this."

"I come with the package, sweetheart."

Sasuke idly wonders why the demon's wasting time with all the talk, but the look of amusement on the blond's face as Sakura growls and clenches her fists solves that mystery. Figures.

"I should just hold _you_ down and let Sasuke-kun do as he pleases, but you'd probably just go back if I did."

Sasuke unconsciously perks up at that suggestion. Until, of course, he realizes he's done so. And the fact that Sakura just implied he couldn't do it without her help.

He quickly stands with every intention of telling them they can have playtime without him, but he doesn't even get the chance to open his mouth before they both yell at him in unison.

"Sit down!" Their eyes never even leave each other.

The _fuck_? Okay, this is no longer mildly amusing in that Naruto's-wearing-an-_orange_-thong-again-and-it-_hurts_-but-I-can't-quite-stop-looking way. Surely they don't think he's just going to sit there while they decide who's in charge.

With a look of pure disgust, Sasuke turns to leave.

He only makes it three steps before he's tackled by both of them.

It's bad enough when either Kyuubi or Inner Sakura come out alone. But when the two of them are out at the same time and decide to team up against him, well, if you were to _ask_ Sasuke, he'd say they were more trouble than they were worth.

But as he finds himself more than a little sore and tingling in the aftershocks of an orgasm so powerful it feels as though he's been torn apart and not entirely reassembled, Sasuke realizes deep down, in that place he refuses to acknowledge, that perhaps those two idiots' assumptions weren't that far off.

Of course, this little insight is immediately buried right next to the Naruto's-jokes-really-are-funny realization and the Sakura's-affection-actually-makes-me-warm-and-fuzzy epiphany as Sasuke frowns and pretends to be as coolly detached as always.

He doesn't bother to shove them off of him, though.


	10. Deep Thoughts or something

**A/N:** Anyone who's played Naruto: Clash of Ninja 2 will understand what inspired this. XD  
**Pairings:** none  
**Warnings:** language and non-graphic sex thoughts  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own Naruto or the game that broke a small piece of my brain yesterday.

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Naruto likes to spend his odd quiet moments (while he's waiting for Kakashi-sensei to show his sorry ass up, for example) contemplating the important things in life. Things like Ichiraku's recipe for pork ramen, how Tsunade-baachan can manage to keep her tits from falling out of her top while she's fighting, if Ino's carpet matches the drapes (he's around Sakura enough to know she doesn't lighten her hair,) and (because he leant a few things about human sexuality during his travels with Ero-sennin) what certain people would do in bed. Hey, he's sixteen; these are important things!

Some people are so uptight, he can almost never picture them having sex at all. Neji is one of those, despite the fact that if he'd just loosen up, he could probably nail any girl (or guy) in the village. Heh, his loss, he thinks.

Kiba's the exact opposite. Naruto's pretty sure he'd fuck anything with legs, and he makes a mental note to keep Sakura-chan away from him.

Hinata is so quiet and shy, it would have to be romantic - lots of kissing, lot of feather-light caresses. It would be with someone she loved unquestionably, most likely after she's married. He sincerely hopes she finds that person.

Kakashi-sensei... well, sometimes he thinks the only thing Kakashi could get it up for would be his stupid books (the guy has people fawning all over him everywhere they go and never seems to care,) and that's not really something he wants to think about. Naruto quickly shakes his head in a poor attempt to clear it.

Ino he's not too sure of. He's seen her be one hell of a control freak (it's easy to see who wear the pants in team 10, that's for sure) but then other times, she's so teasing and sarcastic, he's almost certain sex with her would include some serious mind games as well. She's probably kinky, and that thought puts a definite grin on his face.

Sakura-chan's a difficult one, he decides. He imagines her behavior would probably depend on who it was. With him, she'd probably be loud and bossy, telling him to speed up, slow down, shut the hell up. He's not entirely sure how he feels about that, but he does know he's _more _than willing to find out first hand. If she were with someone like Sasuke, though, (his face immediately darkens at the thought) she'd probably be all shy and submissive and embarassed by damn near everything. The lights would definitely be off, no question about it.

His thoughts involuntarily turn to Sasuke then. Bastard thinks he's so cool, Naruto inwardly gripes. He's so full of himself, he'd probably grab his cock and say something lame like, "Feel the power of Uchiha" or something. As that mental image then takes root, he suddenly can't breathe. His cheeks balloon out as his eyes squeeze shut until a second later, he's guffawing so hysterically that he's pretty sure he's crying. He doesn't care, though, because that is about the funniest damn thing he thinks he's ever heard even if it's just a product of his imagination.

He's slumped over, half-lying on the bridge when Sakura's curiosity finally gets the best of her and she demands, "What?"

He waves, not knowing what to say exactly, but it doesn't matter anyway since he can't talk. Hell, he can hardly breath! A little while later after lots of side clutching, Naruto somehow is able to get control of himself long enough to sit back up, but one glance at Sasuke's condescending expression sends him into hysterics all over again.

He hears Sasuke snort and mumble that "Dead Last has finally lost it," but it doesn't phase Naruto at all. Criticism doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot coming from _him _right now.

It isn't until almost a minute later when Naruto's cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, that he's able to finally stop laughing. He wipes his eyes on his jacket sleeve and takes several deep breaths before saying, "For your sake, bastard, I hope you never get laid."


	11. Blame It On The Clothes :Uchihacest:

**A/N**: silly b-day drabble for ichatelle who wanted some Uchihacest  
**Warnings**: incest, masturbation, and some implied sex of the dubious consent variety :O

---

He had done it. He had finally - after much more mental scarring than he'd ever admit to while in Sound - ditched that freak of a snake man and had found out the whereabouts of his evil older brother. Years of hardwork (and torture) were about to payoff.

Sasuke silently slipped in through a window, unsheathed his trusty sword, and crept quietly through the living unit. The shower was running, and the corner of his lip curled at the advantage that presented (every little bit counted, of course.) He reached for the door knob, vehemently ignoring the slight tremble in the appendage, when something caught his attention. A sound - his name to be exact - in Itachi's voice coming from the other side of the door.

Damn it! So much for the element of surprise, he complained as he twisted the knob and quickly shouldered the door open. He froze midstep, though, katana overhead and ready to strike as the shock of his brother - Itachi! Prodigal child of the Uchiha clan and mass murderer extraordinaire - with one hand against the shower wall for support, the other wrapped firmly around his cock moaning _his_ name!

_What the fuck!_

"I'll just.. uh, come back another time. Or something." If he'd been thinking clearly, he would've realized what a mistake it was to turn his back on his brother even if the elder Uchiha appeared to be indisposed at the moment. The second he turned, Itachi was behind him, shoving Sasuke face-first against the now shut bathroom door and pressing his wet, hard body against his back. A hand jerked his wrist, and kusanagi fell to the tiled floor with a loud clang.

"Where are you going, little brother? Aren't you here to kill me?"

Sasuke's eyes widened as Itachi easily rid him of his pants.

He cursed Orochimaru's inadequate training (and choice in clothing) all the way back to Sound.


	12. Fireworks :NaruLee:

**A/N: **Since yesterday was Lee's birthday, and I try to write something of questionable taste for all the characters' birthdays, this quick little piece of brain-breakiness was born! XD  
**Pairing:** NaruLee  
**Warnings:** NaruLee, attempted humor  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

--

It wasn't that he hadn't thought it possible; he just hadn't given it any thought period. Fireworks at orgasm only happened in the movies, and even _he_ was smart enough to know it was meant to be 'artistic' not literal.

To say he was a bit surprised when things started exploding around him as Lee shuddered and fisted the sheets beneath him was an understatement.

But half a second later, Naruto blinked then grinned so wide his cheeks ached, because if that wasn't validation, he didn't know what was.


	13. Better Things To Do :SasuNaru:

**Pairing**: SasuNaru (yes, sasunaru XD)  
**A/N:** for ayonoi

--

Naruto's ready for him this time. He's trained with Kakashi-sensei and Yamato, perfecting his control and even inventing his own jutsu.

It'll be enough, he tells himself, but deep down Naruto knows, especially after last time, he can't underestimate him. Sasuke's gotten a lot stronger as well.

When the fighting breaks out, Naruto isn't at all surprised Sasuke's still being a stubborn bitch and trying to kill him – bastard always was a little messed up in the head like that. Instead, he fights back, grinning madly as he waits for an opportunity to catch him off guard.

Naruto doesn't have to wait long. When he ends up with his back shoved into a canyon wall staring down the sharingan, he does the first thing that comes to mind.

He grabs Sasuke by the front of his shirt and crushes his lips against his in a kiss that's violent enough for him to wonder if it even qualifies as a kiss. He tastes blood, but he doesn't know if it's from teeth catching lips or if it was already there from the fight. It doesn't really matter, though, 'cause he's not done yet.

He takes Sasuke's tongue between his teeth and bites down _hard_ before shoving him away from him. That ought to give him enough of a shock to…. wait.

He _stares_ at Sasuke then. He has blood smeared on his lips and a little on his shirt, and there's something oddly appealing about it. He blames Kyuubi.

"You kissed back!" Naruto shouts accusingly.

"You started it," Sasuke replies blandly.

Naruto only blinks as Sasuke closes the distance between them again. This time he's the one who is grabbed by the front of his jacket and pulled against a warm body and willing mouth.

And all Naruto can think as he starts kissing back is that this is a hell of lot better than fighting.


	14. No Apologies :NaruIno:

**A/N**: for DocDestructo who officially owns my soul with his awesome fanarts. 3 He wanted a little something involving Ino's parents.  
**Pairings**: implied NaruIno, KibaIno, TemShika, and InoShika

--

She'd stopped by to have dinner with her parents as she did from time to time. Conversation at these events usually consisted of the typical 'We miss you. You need to come see us more.' nature (as if they couldn't drop by her place anytime they wanted to or something) that eventually degenerated into the 'When are you going to settle down and start a family? You're a kunoichi and not getting any younger. The Akimichis already have three grandchildren!' sort.

They meant well even if it was annoying.

She knew something was off this time when her father opened the door with a greeting of "We need to talk," and quickly ushered her to the sofa. She hadn't even had time to sit before he was pacing the floor, a vein prominently protruding his forehead.

"We've heard some disturbing rumors lately and…."

Her mother coughed and interrupted him. That was generally a bad sign. "What your father is _trying_ to say is that we're a little concerned."

Ino resisted the urge to flail her arms in confusion and simply asked, "About…"

"You and that Uzumaki kid," Inoichi ground out.

Ah. That explains the increased blood pressure, she thought, glancing at her father's quickly reddening face.

"We like to think we've been more than lenient parents, not making a fuss about most of your… _relationships_," her mother carefully chose.

Ino rolled her eyes. She might as well have said, "It's easier for us to stay in denial about your sleeping around when it's not people who embarrass us."

She continued. "…And we understand you don't want to settle down yet, but…"

"Just… have some standards, will you," Inoichi finished.

Ino's eyes narrowed at that comment. She very well had standards. High ones, in fact. Just not the sort she cared to share with her father, although the temptation to do so right then had never been stronger.

Grumbling, he added, "That Inuzuka was bad enough."

Ino frowned then. She liked Kiba quite a bit. He was a little unrefined but overall, a nice guy. She sat there a moment and thought about all the people she'd been with who actually mattered. There weren't many, but they all seemed to be similar in that respect. Hmm, maybe that was just the type she went for or something. Crushes didn't count.

She sighed theatrically and reminded herself that her parents meant well. They loved her and thought they were looking out for her. Understanding their motives only got her so far, though. Ideally, she would like for them to mind their own damn business.

"Look," she finally said. "We all know I'm going to live my life how I want. You are free to express your disapproval all you want, but it won't change anything. Yes, I am seeing Naruto. If this bothers you, keep it to yourself, otherwise I might just bring him over here for dinner one night. Then all those rumors you keep hearing from Forehead-girl's nosy mom will finally have some weight to them. And I know you don't want that," she added with a smile.

The look on her mother's face was nothing but that of shock, while her father appeared to be regretting the day she was born. All in all, Ino found that acceptable.

"I don't know about you two, but I'm a little hungry. Can we eat?" she asked cheerfully as she pushed herself from the couch.

It was the first time in a very long while that they made it through dinner without her mother mentioning how Shikamaru was still single (and not-so-subtly hinting that she do something about that.) It was probably the best dinner date she'd ever had with her parents even if Ino spent it wondering how her lazy-assed teammate managed to keep his involvement with Temari a secret after all this time. Maybe she'd stop by his place for pointers later.

And she'd even make sure to not have sex with him where the neighbors might see, Ino thought, hiding her amused smile behind her teacup. Hey, even she could throw her parents a bone once in a while.


	15. No Complaints :NaruIno:

**A/N: **for yira-heerai who wanted NaruIno, undercover stuff, and hot tubs (this is close.) They're about 16 here.

--

He's not complaining, not when they're sitting with their feet in the onsen and Ino's body pressed up against his, a towel being the only thing separating them. He doesn't complain when she whispers mission related stuff into his ear as her hands roam over his torso. Hell, she might as well be whispering erotica into his ear; it's having the same effect on him.

He is a little despaired about the tell-tale tingling in his groin, though. How's he supposed to carry out their task with a hard-on tenting his towel? At least he _has_ a towel, he thinks in mild consolation.

Their mission is simple enough: switch a scroll to be delivered to a bordering territory daimyo with the one in their possession. It's something any chuunin could pull off with their eyes closed.

"The target should be here any minute," Ino whispers in his ear, and Naruto fidgets slightly, trying not to shiver. "This is probably the only time we'll find him alone, so don't screw this up," she warns.

Unfortunately, even her harsh tone isn't enough to kill the happy thoughts running through his head right then as a breast presses against his arm. He takes a deep breath and tries to remember the old pervert's lessons on being cool. Then he remembers Jiraiya was never 'cool.' Aw, fuck, he's screwed.

The plan – _Ino's_ plan, he amends – isn't a problem per se, but it's not ideal either. Okay, so maybe it's fucking awesome, and he's just a tiny bit sore his plan of pouncing with 50 clones while Ino switched the scroll was shot down unceremoniously. And maybe he's just a tiny bit uncomfortable with intrigue. So what?

And the fact that Ino's going about this like being naked with him in the onsen is simply business as usual isn't really helping either. He can't be the only one getting a little… _bothered_ by this, can he? Naruto resists the urge to pout at the thought and decides, instead, to do something about it.

He slips an arm around her waist, pulls her halfway onto his lap, and presses his lips against hers in a kiss that's not really fake considering the circumstances and all. She's tense against him for a moment before following his lead. She's not as enthusiastic as he'd prefer, but he has time to work on that. He thinks so anyway. When did she say the target would be here again?

When she pulls away moments later, her expression isn't one of shock, but the arched eyebrow gets her point across just fine, he thinks.

Naruto grins and leans forward to whisper into her ear, "If we're supposed to be a couple sneaking off for a quickie, we have to play the part, right?"

Ino pinches his side. "You're enjoying this _way_ too much." She sounds annoyed, but the way the corner of her mouth curls up just slightly tells him everything he needs to know.

He can't help but grin in triumph against her neck as he replies, "You better believe it."

She huffs quietly, but then her hands are in his hair, pulling him out of the crook of her neck initiating a kiss of her own. He doesn't complain when Ino shuffles herself so that she's straddling his thighs so that _his_ towel is the only thing separating her from his quickly growing erection. He does whimper just a little, though.

He's certainly not going to complain when his hands somehow find their way to her ass, because that's _nice_. The little squeak that comes from her throat as he pulls their hips together is more than nice; it's intoxicating. He does it again and exhales shakily when she grinds back against him.

Ino suddenly breaks the kiss and mumbles against his lips, "You pull this off and maybe we'll pick this back up later."

Naruto looks at her curiously and tries to wrap his brain around what she just said, but it isn't until the door slides open to reveal their target a moment later that he curses loudly and remembers the assignment.

And as the full implication of Ino's offer slowly sinks in, Naruto's grip on her tightens as he decides this mission will be completed without fail no matter what. Even if he has to deliver the forged scroll himself!


	16. Noise and Confusion :NaruGaara:

**A/N:** a silly little something for Gaara's birthday  
**Pairing:** NaruGaara  
**Warnings**: snogging

--

"And _then_ she had the nerve to say I was loud! Can you believe that?"

The good thing about hiring a friend from Konoha to help out with a few things in his village was that he didn't have to drink alone after dinner. It was a welcomed change. The bad thing about having a friend drink with him after dinner, Gaara reflected, was that friends talked. Constantly, he assumed by the way Naruto was going on and on. And about things that made the Kazekage quite uncomfortable. Things like past girlfriends, disapproval of his friends' choices in companionship, and if his sister was _really_ the ballbuster she came off as.

He'd tried to steer the conversation toward more suitable (less personal) topics several times. Unfortunately, feeding his friend more alcohol only seemed to make the problem worse, and glaring wasn't gaining him anything but a headache by the time the blond had moved onto the detailed differences between Konoha and Suna women. It had to stop. Really, it did.

"Naruto," he mumbled irritably, interrupting the description of a birthmark a certain kunoichi had on her hip - he hoped to never, ever hear that again.

The blond turned toward him then, his lopsided grin exposing a flash of teeth as he responded. "Yeah?"

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Oddly enough, Naruto's grin only grew wider. "Sakura-chan says the same thing," he chuckled, then quirked his eyebrows a couple of times. "'Course, I just tell her she can shut me up anytime."

And now Gaara was confused. He thought they were friends; Naruto had said as much. "And you wouldn't say the same to me?" he ventured quietly, feeling mildly hurt.

Naruto laughed a moment before turning a questioning look his way. "I dunno. Didn't realized you'd go for that, I guess. I normally get a black eye for it."

"Wouldn't know unless you tried," Gaara snapped as an unpleasant feeling bubbled up within his stomach, fueling the sudden need to defend this friendship they supposedly had.

It was quiet a few moments while Naruto gave him an appraising look, and Gaara scowled uncomfortably. But then the blond's expression shifted suddenly, and the kazekage found his personal space spectacularly invaded as Naruto crawled _onto his lap_.

Being trapped between Naruto's warm body and the couch was probably one of the most awkward and uncomfortable situations he'd ever been in, he decided. Until, of course, the blond leaned forward and with a grin whispered, "don't know 'til ya try," before pressing his lips against his.

There were worse things than being a little awkward, though, Gaara decided as warm lips parted and pressed against his a little more insistently. At least Naruto had finally shut up.


	17. Happy BDay, Shino

**A/N**: Sadly (or not depending on who you ask, I suppose) Shino does not get sexed up for his birthday. This is a clean story of men _not_ bonding. XD  
**Pairings**: none  
**Warnings**: language

--

"Happy Birthday, man," Naruto smiles, giving him a slap on the back before motioning to the bartender for another round. "Sorry for not getting you a stripper or anything. Sai volunteered, but I wasn't sure if that was your thing. He's probably still home if you want me to uh..." He gestures toward the door with his thumb, and behind dark glasses Shino rolls his eyes dramatically.

"This is fine, Naruto. Thank you."

"Ahhh, okay, man." He smiles again as if he's been given the answer to some great secret and starts glancing around the pub. Shino's fully aware of what his host is up to, but he was not raised to be rude. He'll endure it - for a brief amount of time - before thanking him once again and heading home. He doesn't have to wait long before his friend finds his mark.

Naruto leans a little closer and whispers (which is completely unnecessary; the place isn't exactly quiet,) "Third table from the door. Red shirt."

With a sigh, he turns toward his companion and glances out of the corner of his eye toward the target. He's completely unsurprised to find a drunken floozy with smeared lipstick eyeing him up.

"Sure thing," Naruto whispers with a grin, and Shino can do nothing but glare. It probably would have more effect without the sunglasses. Maybe. "No? How 'bout the brunette at the end of the bar?"

He doesn't even look; he simply forces a smile and says, "You're all the companionship I need tonight, Naruto-kun."

It's so very, very hard not to laugh at the sight of Naruto's blue eyes bugging out uncomfortably, but he is a master of self-control and, of course, triumphs. Besides, his reputation would be thoroughly shot to hell otherwise.

The blond is quiet for a few minutes, doing little more than drinking quickly and stealing awkward glances at him.

Shino thinks it's just about time for this little party to end, when Naruto suddenly punches him in the shoulder.

"Stop messin' with me, man! I think the only time I've seen you look creepier was when we went on that mission and you couldn't stop laughing! Oh! Oh, man! That was some crazy shit."

Naruto guffaws, and Shino seethes. He swore, _fucking swore on his **balls**_, that he'd never mention that again! Well, it's about time for him to pay up, he thinks.

Shino slowly pulls out a kunai and, examining his reflection in it, utters clearly and concisely so there is no misunderstanding, "You broke our agreement, so now I'm going to take your balls." He turns to look at Naruto then, who is wide-eyed and looking completely freaked the hell out.

"What the...?"

"Shall we do it right here on the bar? Or would you rather go to the men's room?"

Naruto doesn't answer, but Shino does hear him gripe all the way to the street about 'assholes worse than Sasuke' and 'never taking _him_ out for his birthday again.'

It's the best birthday promise Shino's received in a long time. He smiles and finishes his drink blissfully companion-free.


	18. That Which Everyone Else Sees

**A/N:** recently found this thing hiding in my fic folder of d00m.  
**Pairing: **NaruSasu and a hint of NaruSasuSai  
**Warnings:** language

--

"You don't have to get pissy about it."

A glass slammed down on the bar loudly. "And you don't have to be here. Get lost already. It's bad enough Dead Last dragged me to this dump without having to listen to your constant ass-kissing. If you haven't noticed, we're nowhere near Sound. You can drop the…"

"Hey, it's my birthday. Why aren't you kissing _my_ ass?" Naruto interrupted in mock-annoyance, anything to get those two to quit being stupid really, because the alcohol only seemed to be making it worse so far.

Ignoring that question, Sai picked up where the other left off, "Now, now, Sasuke-kun. Is that anyway to speak to an invited guest?"

Naruto sighed and wondered how long it would be until they finally grew bored with aggravating each other.

"Just 'cause idiot here feels sorry for you..." the Uchiha grumbled under his breath.

Okay, bastard kinda has a point there, but still. This outing was supposed to be _fun_. He snorted at the thought. It was his own fault really. These two wouldn't know fun if it sat on their faces and wiggled. Ah well. If he could just get them to quit bickering for a while, _he_ could go back to having fun at least.

"Come on, guys! No need to fight. There's more than enough of me to go around," Naruto snickered as he flagged down the bartender for another round. There! That ought to shut them up, he thought smugly.

While Sasuke indignantly choked on his drink, Sai only smiled pleasantly and responded, "That's a big claim for someone with such a small dick."

"_Man_, when are you going to let that go?! Yamato's scary face would make anyone shrivel up! You know what? Fuck that." He hopped off his stool and began unbuttoning his pants right there at the bar. "I'll show you who's small."

Sasuke groaned and downed another shot before turning toward Naruto expectantly.

Surprised, Naruto paused, zipper half-way down, and asked, "What?"

"Well, are you going to show us or not?" Sasuke smirked.

He eyed his companion a moment before slowly zipping his pants back up. "Way to take all the fun out of it, bastard," he grumbled resuming his spot on the stool between them.

Sasuke laughed then. _Fucking laughed!_ "Only you would find it fun to show people something when they don't want to see it."

Naruto's bottom lip protruded in an exaggerated pout as he slowly ran that logic through his brain. Like a light bulb, his smile suddenly flickered on. "So, you're saying you _want_ to see it?" he teased. "Should we go back to my place so you can see it up close?"

Sasuke shrugged. "It's better than sitting here listening to you two act like idiots."

Uh… Naruto blinked once then twice and plainly stated, "You're drunk!"

Sasuke gave him a bored look. "And so are you. Your point?"

Naruto opened his mouth with every intention of denying that, but then closed his mouth and shrugged – bastard has a point there. Instead, he flagged down the bartender for the tab. Almost as an afterthought, he turned toward Sai and asked, "You coming?"

Sai simply smiled as he stood and lightly slapped Naruto on the back. "As fun as it sounds, I must decline. Consider it a birthday gift." And with that admittedly confusing statement, he paid the bill and left.

"Uh, what just happened?" Naruto asked his remaining companion, but Sasuke was still staring at the exit with a thoughtful expression on his face. A moment later, though, Sasuke snorted and glanced at Naruto with an amused sort of smile.

"Let's go," was his only reply as he nodded toward the door.

It wasn't until the next day, when Naruto awoke with a nasty hangover and a naked Sasuke in his bed, that he finally understood what Sai had meant. The blond grinned and made a mental note to thank him.

Later, of course, 'cause right then he still had a naked Sasuke in his bed, and he'd be a moron to pass _that_ up, hangover or no.


	19. Idiots and Stupidity

**A/N: **for yiraheerai  
**Pairing: **team seven  
**Warnings:** spoilers

--

"You two really are that stupid after all," Sasuke sneered at them through the bars of his cell.

In Naruto's fist, his grip on the old, beat up hitai-ite tightened until his knuckles were white, but it was Sakura who spoke up next. Her voice was even and expression slightly sympathetic; there were no tears, no honorifics, no declarations of undying love, just a simple, uncharged statement.

"No one knows what's going to happen, but we want you know that we're not your enemies, Sasuke."

It somehow managed to raise his hackles even more.

Naruto set the scratched forehead protector on the ground just outside his cell where the metal caught the overhead fluorescent lights and reflected them toward him, making it look every bit the shining peace offering it was. Sasuke snorted in disgust.

"I could tear it apart. Rip the faceplate off and use it to slit their throats," he grinned, nodding toward the masked guards who'd moved across the hall in a farce of privacy when his ex-teammates had arrived.

"I'm sure you could do a lot of things, asshole." Naruto's smile widened as the volume of his voice dropped a little. "I'm also sure you never would've ended up here in the first place had you not wanted to."

In a blink, Sasuke was up from his spot on the floor and raging against the bars that separated them. The guards had weapons drawn almost as fast, but Sasuke was already backing away from the bars, his self-control back in place.

"Think you've got it all figured out, huh? Did you forget whose hand went through your chest?"

He could feel Naruto's chakra pulse dangerously for a moment, but it seemed that even he'd learned some sense of control over the years as it was pushed back down just as quickly. When he spoke next, the idiot had the audacity to _smile_ at him.

"Anyway, we'll be back tomorrow. Might even bring some cards or something." He then mouthed conspiratorially, 'Sakura-chan _always_ loses.' The blond got a fist to the top of the head for that one.

Sakura then turned toward him. "We'll see you tomorrow, Sasuke."

He wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but the corner of her mouth quirked up just a little before she grabbed Naruto by the collar of his jacket and dragged him out of there.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. They were still idiots. They'd always been idiots. He glanced down at his old forehead protector beaming up at him from the cold concrete floor and hated it just as much.

"This is _stupid_," he muttered, but his feet carried him back toward the bars where he crouched down and glared at the offending trinket. The metal was badly scratched, and there were blood stains on the fabric that would never come out since too much time had passed. Why would they think he'd want such a worthless thing? This was idiotic even for them!

Sasuke reached through the bars and picked it up anyway. If nothing else, maybe he could hang himself with it once their stupidity became too much to bear.


	20. The Taste of Other Men's Girlfriends

**A/N: **for beachlass and horsesandmen  
**Pairings: **NaruLee, NaruSaku, and one-sided NaruSasu and LeeSaku  
**Warnings: **mentions of sex, angst

--

Kick. Block. Dodge.

He isn't Sasuke; Lee knows this. He isn't the born genius with the striking good looks who was able to create a variant of his move – one that had taken a genius of hard work quite a while to accomplish – after only seeing it once.

Dissipate a clone.

In fact, Lee is more than aware of just how little he and Sasuke have in common.

Roundhouse kick then flip away.

He isn't a natural born genius, but he isn't dumb either. He knows he's just a placeholder, and in all likelihood, not a very good one, he supposes.

Get tackled to the ground.

He also knows no self-respecting person would continue such a joke of a relationship.

So why does he do it, he's asked himself a thousand and one times. The answer is simple.

Because sometimes, like right then when Naruto curls his fists in his green jumpsuit and crushes his lips against his, Lee can taste Sakura on Naruto's tongue and smell her on Naruto's skin, and if he's lucky, he'll be able to taste her on his cock as well.

Lee wastes little time finding out.


	21. Playing With Fire :KakaShizu:

**A/N: **for scathachdhu  
**Pairing: **Kakashi/Shizune  
**Warnings: **implied sexual content

--

She's not sure how exactly it started between them, this strange competition of seeing who could get the other more bothered in the presence of other people. It's incredibly irresponsible considering they live in a village full of ninja who're all trained to notice the things civilians don't.

But then maybe that's part of what's so fun about it, Shizune muses as Kakashi slowly rakes his eye over her body while Tsunade quotes something from his latest mission report. All it would take for them to be caught would be for someone to look up before her kimono was back in place, or a waitress to walk by while he was still under the table, or his genin team to overhear a steamy offer whispered to him as they leave with their mission scroll. The list goes on.

And sometimes she feels like she's at a serious disadvantage – _everything_ he does gets to her, but it's hard for her to tell if she's affecting him sometimes. She thinks maybe the only reason Kakashi goes along with this game is because he thinks he'll never be caught. He's also the type of person that can, with one look, make you question whether or not you truly saw something – he's quite intimidating actually, she admits; when he's not turning her into a puddle of goo, that is.

She's not sure how it started or why, but she does know she doesn't want it to end. But she doesn't want to lose either, so as she hands him the scroll for his next mission, Shizune lets some of her chakra go with it – just a little, a blip that no one would notice unless they were actively looking for it – and directs it straight to his prostate.

Yeah, so it's probably cheating, but a girl's got to play to her strengths, right? Besides, it's totally worth it to see Hatake Kakashi twitch and go wide-eyed in front of the hokage, she decides, hiding her smile behind a look of mock-concern. She's sure she'll pay for it later; she looks forward to it actually.


	22. The Seaweed Is Always Greener

**A/N: **The Little Mermaid + team seven :D

--

"I don't get it," Naruto grumbles as he watches Sasuke tuck in his shirt. "Why do _you_ get to be the prince?"

Sasuke doesn't answer, but he does cast a sideways glance at him before stashing several weapons under his clothes.

With a sigh, Naruto picks up his own costume and glares at it from its arm's-length position as if he might catch something from it. "Why do I have to be the stupid _crab_? I could've been the king or something."

The bench creaks slightly when Sasuke sits down next to him to pull his boots on. "Just put it on so we can get this over with."

Naruto glares and glares some more, but if his teammate notices, he ignores it. "Easy for you to say," he finally mutters, knowing it's not true but not caring one bit.

"Easy for me?! We wouldn't even _be_ here if you hadn't rasenganed the side of the administration building!"

"Trying to keep you from ramming your chidori _through my head_!" Naruto growls, jumping to his feet and pointing accusingly at Sasuke. The Uchiha only glares back in return, and the two sit in standoff until a knock on the door interrupts them a few seconds later.

"You two dressed yet?"

It's Sakura-chan, Naruto realizes, though she sounds a little funny, quieter maybe. "Almost," he answers. "Gimme a sec."

He quickly slips out of his orange clothes and into _it_, his dreaded costume, destroyer of his masculine charms. One glance in the mirror confirms his suspicions of how stupid he looks.

"When the old hag said community service, I thought we'd be picking up trash or something." Naruto drags his feet as he and Sasuke make their way to the door. "But this is cruel and unusual punish…," he trails off when he steps out into the hall and sees Sakura.

She's crossing her arms awkwardly over her bare stomach. She's blushing. She's… totally checking out Sasuke in his _new_ pirate outfit. Damn it! _He_ should've been the pirate, er prince! Instead, he has two giant, plush claws for hands and two fake legs sticking out of each side. Where's the justice, really?

But as his eyes take in the sight of Sakura-chan in her mermaid costume, he decides that things could definitely be worse, because from where he's standing, the view is _nice_.

He can't help it. Really, he can't.

"Nice shells."

She turns her gaze on Naruto then, and he can't help but notice the way her eye keeps twitching. "If it weren't for the fact that these kids are sick patients who need to keep their spirits up to get well…" She advances on him with an expression just short of murderous, and he raises his claws in what he hopes looks like surrender as his self-preservation skills kick in. "I wouldn't be here having to make sure you two don't screw this up! You _owe_ me, both of you."

She glances at Sasuke then, and her eyes go wide. He's just been caught looking at her shells, too. Sakura's mouth opens and closes a few times like she wants to chastise him but can't quite bring herself to do it. Or maybe she's just in shock or something. It's hard to tell.

Sasuke shoves his hands in his pockets, and with a quick comment of, "let's just go already," he briskly starts off down the hall toward the children's ward.

"I still think I should've been the prince," he tells Sakura as they take off after Sasuke. "But I think it'd be fun to do that scene in the little rowboat just to see him freak out again."

"Rowboat?" She looks confused for a moment before her eyes widen. Then she shakes her head and groans, "Naruto."

One thing he's always loved about the hospital is how much the hallways echo, and they don't let him down when he laughs and starts singing. "Sha-la-la-la-la-la. Don't stop now. Don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss the girl."

The last two things he remembers before he blacks out is how funny it is when Sasuke freezes ahead of them, shoulders hunched as if the stick up his ass has somehow managed to find its way deeper and that he should never, _ever_ embarrass Sakura-chan while within punching distance.

Unless, of course, he ever wants her to feel guilty and finish his community service for him again.


	23. Self Preservation :NaruIno:

**a/n:** haven't had much in the way of inspiration, but I did write a few half-assed ficlets this month  
**title:** Self Preservation  
**for: **docdestructo  
**pairing:** NaruIno

--

"_Oh!_"

Naruto winced and covered her sexy but loud mouth with his own, only slightly muffling her cries. Her enthusiastic squeals quickly morphed into an annoyed growl as she pulled away, fixing him with a look he knew all too well by then.

"Don't slow down!" Ino whined and blew her bangs out of her face.

He snorted in amusement. "As much as I love it when you can't get enough of me..." He pointedly ignored the eye roll. "I'd rather not announce it to everyone in the house."

"Scared?" Ino taunted and thrust her hips toward his as best she could being propped up on the bathroom counter and all. "Daddy threaten to kill or something?"

He resisted the bait and the lull of her body, the memory of Yamanaka Inoichi cornering him in the kitchen earlier still fresh in Naruto's mind. He hadn't threatened to kill him – which was good – just rip his balls off and stuff them down his throat if he so much as _thought_ about doing what he was currently doing.

Sakura-chan had always said he was a glutton for punishment. She was right. As usual.

"No, but I am rather fond of my balls, so _be quiet,_" he whispered and thrust quickly inside her.

Ino's arms quickly wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer. "If you'd just hurry the fuck up_before_ someone comes looking for us, it wouldn't matter."

Her words were little more than a groan, her breath hot against his neck, and Naruto found it all too easy to lose himself in the moment completely.

Unfortunately for him, so did Ino.

They were soon interrupted by a terrible banging on the door and a very angry snarl of, "Uzumaki!!"

"Err, yeah?" Ino was practically lying on the counter, her knees draped over his shoulders and head up against the mirror, tell-tale flush covering her neck and cheeks. A mad scramble to get dressed and story of her helping him find bandades would never work. He doubted there was much hope for the situation, but he had to try. "Um, sorry. I'll be out in a little while. Must've eaten something bad," he answered awkwardly.

Naruto decided right then that Ino's fingernails were only sexy when they weren't pinching him hard enough to draw blood.

"Get out here and face me like a shinobi you sorry, sack of shit!"

Naruto was fairly certain the door had shaken with the force of that yell alone. Quickly, he weighed his options. He'd never had much experience dealing with the wrath of angry fathers, but if Ino inherited even a fraction of her temper from Inoichi... He glanced at the door, then down at his himself and back.

Ino would probably be pissed, but that was okay. She'd come around; she always did. He'd probably have to check for traps at home for a while, but that would only serve to keep life interesting. Finding out the extent of Kyuubi's regenerative abilities, however, was not.

Naruto crushed Ino against him for a lingering kiss before releasing her just as suddenly and darting out the window.

He could hear the echoing shouts three blocks away.


	24. Infinite :KakaShizu:

**title: **Infinite  
**for: **scathachdhu  
**pairing: **Kakashi/Shizune

--

She's cleaning, wiping down the table for the fifth time. It doesn't need it, of course, but it is something to do, something to focus on at the moment. The book hadn't helped; she was too distracted and had kept reading the same passage over before she'd finally given up and moved onto something else. But cleaning seemed to be working. It didn't require all the much attention but enough to keep her mind busy, which is the whole purpose. Otherwise she knows she'd be pacing the apartment, checking the clock, and making herself sick – with anger or worry she's not sure; either way that's a role she swears she'll never play again.

She's moved onto the stove when four quiet knocks finally break the silence, and Shizune quickly tosses the hand towel out of sight as she moves to the door. And there he is, slouching on her doorstep, grinning like he always does, like she hasn't just cleaned half her apartment waiting for him. Her eyes stay on him, away from the clock and the hours spent not-thinking about him and their relationship.

She smiles and opens the door further for him. The mask is already sliding down under his chin as he steps inside, the goofy, disarming grin turning darker, matching the heat in his visible eye.

They don't talk; they rarely do and nothing too deep or too intimate. Kakashi will probably always stay disconnected, and it's something she's accepted. She can keep it light. Fun and teasing aren't a bad follow-up to days filled with fret and worry under Tsunade.

Afterwards, they chat about minor things, days they have off, places they might want to eat at... someday. He traces the line of her hip with his fingers, and she strokes his unkempt hair and thinks she might have found contentment.


	25. ANBU Mask :YamaSaku:

**title: **ANBU Mask  
**for:** frackinsweet  
**pairing: **YamaSaku

--

Tenzou knew Sakura had a fondness for his ANBU mask. More than once had he caught her tracing the designs on it with a deceptively delicate-looking finger. Each time it had happened, the thought of how much blood that mask had seen had entered his mind, as if she were drawing the designs in it herself. It was stupid, he knew. Sakura was a ninja, after all, and was easily aware of all the horrors the painted piece of porcelain had witnessed over the years.

But knowing something was illogical had never stopped the thoughts before, and it wouldn't start working now, so he decided to just stop thinking about it altogether.

That was when he walked into the bedroom and saw her lying on his bed. She was on her side propped up by an elbow, a hand on her bare thigh, wearing nothing but her shin guards and his mask.

"Would ya mind helping me with something, _Taicho_?"

So maybe he'd be able to associate Sakura and that stupid mask with something else, after all.

--

[insert lame wood jutsu jokes here XD


	26. Calculation Error :crossover:

**a/n: **DBZ crossover fic. Yes, I should be ashamed.  
**title: **Calculation Error  
**for: **ktoth04  
**pairing: **Mirai Trunks/Anko

--

Trunks blinked as he took in his surroundings. Either he'd made an error in calculations or the Western Capital had changed _a lot_ since his last visit. Sure, he'd appeared in a rural area just south and not in the middle of the metro, but still! The terrain wasn't even the same! All he could see was dense forest in every direction and the prickling sense of danger on the back of his neck.

He was being watched.

Like most of Earth's protective warriors, Trunks habitually suppressed his ki. The people surrounding him, however, were not. There was a small group of them a few hundred meters behind him, one a kilometer east, and another directly north. He couldn't see him, of course. He may not have known to mask his ki (which was remarkably close to Chi Chi's level,) but he was obviously trained in concealment and knew how to use his surroundings to his advantage.

He quickly jumped to the side as two knives flew past him.

"I knew it!"

Trunks blinked as a figure stepped out from the trees. 'He' was actually a she. And not a bad looking she at that, with deep purple hair much darker than his own, small, compact body sheathed in mesh – okay, so she was undeniably hot. And definitely dangerous.

"Excuse me?"

"You don't look like any ninja I've seen before, but I learned long ago that most have no taste whatsoever." She pointedly looked at his jacket then, and Trunks coughed, more than a little put out.

"You think I'm a ninja?"

"Oh cut the crap. If you weren't, you be a pile of meat right now."

He balked momentarily at how the idea didn't seem to bother her in the least. She began walking toward him then, another knife in hand, and Trunks found himself surprised she'd managed to pull it out without him seeing.

"But I'm not here to state the obvious," she added. As she came closer, he began to notice the crazed look in her eyes. He was part Saiyan; he had no reason to fear humans, he told himself. But this particular human looked more psychotic than Chi Chi ever had. Granted he'd only seen his sensei's mother on various trips to the past, but he'd seen enough. Really.

She was right in front of him, and he was surprised to see just how petite she really was. She had the attitude of someone three times her size. "I'm only gonna ask you once. Why are you here?"

He felt the tip of the knife run lightly over the front of his pants and decided he didn't really want to test whether or not a senzu bean would heal an injury of that nature.

"Accident," he replied.

The woman's eyebrow lifted as the blade between his legs pressed against him threateningly. "And if I don't believe you?"

"You would've already tried to kill me."

Her face erupted into a wide, toothy grin then. "Tried?"

Trunks had but a moment for an 'oh shit' reaction before someone grabbed his arms from behind and bound them with wire.

"Damn, you're built!" another female exclaimed as she ran her hands over his biceps and shoulders. He grinned despite himself – hey, a compliment from a psychotic but hot chick was still a compliment! He was pretty shocked, though, to glance over his shoulder and see his antagonist's twin.

"Whoa." With one behind him obviously in awe of his buff body and another in front of him with a hand tantalizingly close to his crotch – never mind the knife, of course – Trunks' hormone-laden teenage mind couldn't help but go to a happy, happy place.

Until, of course, psycho #2 removed his sword from his back. Up until then, he'd been playing along, not wanting to show off his true strength, but the idea of them touching his _sword_ – not that one – made him sick to his stomach. Although if this was a prelude to them playing with his other sword... no, he couldn't think like that! He had to get away from these two and figure out where his calculations went wrong or whether it was a technical malfunction instead. Time travel was so tricky. And where would he get parts?

They were side by side watching him, he realized.

"You haven't been stiffing the smoke powder, have you?" the one on the right asked.

"No! No, ma'am," he replied. He might be stuck there permanently if he couldn't fix the time machine. With the hot, psycho twins throwing knives at him constantly and fondling his sword...which wouldn't actually be all that bad and maybe even fun for a while, but his mother would be alone, and he didn't even know where he was! What if he was a few hundred years in the past?

Trunks heard one of the women sigh and then a pop. When he looked up, there was just one of them again. She stepped behind him and cut the wire from his wrists.

"Alright, kid. Get the fuck out of here. I don't want to catch you hanging around here again, okay?"

He nodded and bent down to pick up his weapon. She slapped him on the ass when he did, and Trunks yelped indignantly as he jumped.

She was grinning again. "Quit looking like someone killed your puppy already." And with that, she disappeared into the trees once again.


	27. Of Distrust And :crossover:

**A/N: **written for wildwesternwind over at eljay. This is a Naruto/Avatar crossover. Hopefully I haven't raped anyone's characterization.

**Pairing: **none

**Warnings: **none. (yes, rly)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or Avatar: The Last Airbender, though I do think Sokka is the most adorable thing on the planet.

**

* * *

**

Of Distrust And Bowls Of Warm Water

Sokka's nostrils flare as he eyes the new guy. Narubo, he says his name is. Or is it Nahuto. More like _Stupido_, Sokka thinks. They know nothing about this guy - _nothing_! - and yet, here he is, travelling with them and all of a sudden everyone's new best friend. He watches the stranger pull out weapon after weapon after weapon, describing each use to Aang.

Sokka decides right then and there that he's not sleeping that night. Not with that guy and his never ending arsenal nearby. (Where the hell does he keep all that stuff anyway?)

After three days Sokka passes out from exhaustion and sleeps for 36 hours.

--

Okay, so he didn't murder anyone in their sleep. Big deal. Doesn't prove anything, despite whatever Katara says. The guy can make copies of himself! (Sokka discovered that the morning after his er, long nap when Naruto and Aang sparred.) He may not be a bender himself, but he knows enough to realize this guy is _dangerous_, even if he acts like a raving moron.

Toph listens about as well as Katara, though, so once again, Sokka's protests are ignored.

--

The next day, the interloper spars with Zuko, and all hell breaks loose.

It starts off normal enough, and Sokka can barely be bothered to watch. (He ignores the guy on principal!) But then the taunting starts.

It doesn't help that the blond seems to be used to fighting fire benders and barely breaks a sweat against Zuko. The Mighty Zu-Zu gets so pissed, he actually storms off in a hissy fit, and Sokka laughs at the spectacle despite himself.

Naruto sighs and flops down on the ground next to Sokka. "Is he always like that?"

Sokka tenses slightly but answers. "Usually."

The blond snorts. "Dude needs to find a sense of humor, get laid, _something_."

Sokka tries. Really, he does, but damn, if Naruto isn't right. Again he finds himself laughing.

--

The following night, Sokka finds himself mysteriously helping Naruto stick Zuko's hand in a bowl of warm water while he sleeps.

When Katara later asks him why he would do such a childish thing, he can't come up with an answer.

--

Two more days find the group outside the Earth Kingdom Capital, Naruto's destination. Aang and Katara both hug the blond. Toph punches his shoulder, while Zuko turns the other way and mutters his good riddance. Sokka gives a two-fingered salute to which Naruto grins widely and hops off Appa's back.

As they take off once again he hears Toph snicker. "He's _so_ gay for Naruto."

"It was just a piece of dirt in my eye!"

Then all of them laugh, so Sokka folds his arms over his chest and turns his back to his traitorous friends. Just because none of them can tell a joke… What do they know about kindred spirits anyway? He sighs then glances at Zuko.

"You're just happy, because he won't be around to kick your butt anymore."

The comment has the desired effect, Sokka notes, as everyone is then too busy breaking up the fight to tease him.

End


	28. Springs :NaruNeji:

**A/N: **for myrafur 3 I'm assuming they even use inner-spring mattresses in Japan. If not, let's pretend, shall we? lol

**Pairing: **NaruNeji

**Warnings: **none, because I fail and promised smut. Instead, my brain produced this retardedness. wtf? I'M SORRY, MYRA! ;__;

--

"So the strangest thing happened this morning," he starts.

Neji casts a blank gaze. "Oh?"

"Yeah, some guys delivered a new mattress."

"Interesting."

"Funny thing is, I didn't buy it. Seems I have an anonymous benefactor." His expression is suspicious; Neji pretends not to notice.

"Mmm, lucky you."

Naruto's eyes narrow and he leans closer. "Or~" he sing-songs. "Lucky you."

Neji can practically feel the old springs of the dilapidated mattress digging into his knees and spine to the point of bruising – a very inconvenient situation to try to explain to Gai-sensei. He's also fairly certain the annoying, creaking melody they made will forever be burnt into his head. He smirks. "Indeed."

With a laugh– "If it was so terrible, you should've said something."

Neji doesn't bother pointing out the fact that he did. Twice. And when that clearly wasn't working, he simply began insisting Naruto come over to his place. Instead, he asks, "How long did you jump on it after the deliverymen left?"

His grin is wide and mischievous, his eyes blue slivers. "Long enough to know the neighbors won't be complaining anymore."

He's fairly certain it's meant to be funny, but Neji's immediate response is a long-suffering sigh. Naruto's neighbors – sometimes he can't decide if he should feel sorry for them or plan their convenient, accidental deaths.

Undeterred, Naruto continues. "Although it hasn't actually been _tested_ yet. I mean, we can't know for sure."

"Mmm," is his only outward reply as he follows Naruto into the bedroom. Quality testing is important, he agrees. It would be a shame to have to kill the salesman for selling him a faulty product after all.


	29. Mating Call of the Wayward Uchiha

**A/N:** Digging through the fic folder, I discovered this interesting piece of comment!fic I'd written for Asuka over two years ago. I had originally planned on rewriting it, but it's actually not that bad, just needed a little tweaking. Still short and to the point, but I doubt I could do any better without over thinking it.

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **SasuNaru... sorta XD

**Warnings: **Sound's bad fashion sense and blatant failure of communication

--

_And Sasuke always called _me_ hopeless_, Naruto thinks with a snort of disgust. At least he knows how to buy clothes practical for fighting! Not some stupid oversized pants with a stupid piece of oversized rope for a belt that keeps getting snagged on everything.

And why the hell does he keep glaring at Naruto like it's _his_ fault every time his pants fall off?

Well, okay, his foot did get caught in one of the giant loops of his belt that one time, but he had absolutely nothing to do with that stupid tree limb!

He silently watches as Sasuke readjusts his clothes for the second time. Something is off; that much is certain. His ex-teammate has never been a sloppy ninja.

He doesn't have time to figure it out right then, he realizes, leaping to the side as handful of shuriken whiz by. He glances up in time to see Sasuke grab for his sword, and Naruto leaps toward him, intent on tackling him before he can draw the weapon.

He doesn't make it in time, but his momentum is too strong to stop once he realizes the sheath of Sasuke's sword has loosened his stupid, ever-failing belt.

Pants fall for the third time right as Naruto tackles him.

He wastes no time pinning Sasuke's hands to the ground and quickly takes stock of the situation. He's lying on top of Sasuke, between his legs in fact. Between Sasuke's _bare_ legs, he amends. Bare legs that are not kicking him off. Come to think of it, his arms aren't really resisting either. And his pants somehow keep falling off...

Naruto grins down at Sasuke. "All you had to do was ask, man."

That's when the real fight begins.

End


End file.
